Reasons Why Going To Hell Will Be Awesome!
But, if it did, it might not be such a bad idea. Let me tell you why Hell sounds pretty amazing. I'll get to be with my friends. Think about all the people you know. At some point or another, you all did things that were "wrong." Blasphemous. Scandalous.
The sorts of things you would never want a pastor to find out. And you know what? Those were some of your best memories.
Those were the things that you look back on fondly when you get older. If you're not doing the sorts of things that fundamentalist preachers complain about, are you really even living? And don't you want to spend eternity with your friends?
There's nothing very appealing about Heaven. Think about all the stereotypes you've ever heard regarding Heaven.
You watch over your living loved ones from above without getting to directly participate in their lives. You play the harp.
You sit around all day while God is mere feet away from you. No phones. Might be nice for a day. But not forever. You need some variety.
Hell seems way more unpredictable than Heaven. And variety is the spice of the afterlife. I accept responsibility for my actions. I'm an adult, dammit.
If I did something wrong, I don't deserve to be let off the hook just because I knew the right people and a friend pulled some favors. I don't have that kind of money.
But that's all God is -- someone you turn to whenever you screw up, who can forgive you and make things right again. God is a mob boss is what I'm saying. Look: If I mess up, I will pay the price. All those people asking for forgiveness for their sins are usually just sad they got caught. Deal with it.
You broke the rules, now you must suffer the consequences. All roads lead to Hell. Have you ever seen those pictures of street preachers listing off all the kinds of people who will go to Hell?
Fornicators, liberals, homosexuals, feminists, things like that. It's not like you have to commit some unforgivable sin to go to Hell. The place is not full of serial killers only.
And the Bible is full of silly reasons you will go to Hell, including making a metal God, mixing fabrics in your clothes, eating an apple within three years of planting your own apple tree, trimming your beard, getting a tattoo, not observing the Sabbath, and visiting a psychic.
And those are all from the same chapter. Even if that's Old Testament, there's no way I'm navigating every biblical minefield. The point is, if you're doing anything interesting, odds are you've upset, God. So why stop now?
Listen, I heard if you break all 10 Commandments, the 11th is free. Heaven is full of the worst people. Think about everyone you've ever heard say they're so religious, they're surely going to Heaven. All those preachers and televangelists and Joel Osteen and Pat Robertson and right-wing evangelicals.
Do you really want to spend eternity next to Jim Bakker and the people who made God's Not Dead? No, thank you.
Hell has all the cool people. Rock stars and rebels. I mean, I am totally gonna see all of you watching this right now. And I look forward to meeting you in person.
There's more creativity in Hell. The best art pushes you out of your comfort zone. It's music that stirs something up in you. It's a book that challenges your preconceptions. A YouTube video that you shouldn't be watching. Those thoughts, by necessity, cross boundaries.
They may offend religious sensibilities. Which means you won't find that in Heaven. Biblical morality always comes across as so black and white -- it's why Christian movies are so awful.
There's never any nuance in them. So if you're looking for creativity and the good kind of provocation, you're only going to find it in Hell. You can only experience physical pleasure in Hell.
Do people in Heaven eat food? Drink? Have sex? Go to sleep? I've never heard Christians talking about any of those things, which suggests all of that becomes irrelevant in Heaven because why would you need it?
I have actually heard Christians say the pleasure of being in God's presence is greater than all of those other things I just mentioned combined.
Which is not quite the advertisement they seem to think it is. But also, if Heaven is eternal pleasure, remember that those pleasurable things are most enjoyable when you don't have them. A pizza and cold beer are great... when you're starving after a long hot day.
Sleep is amazing when you're really tired and finally lying in bed. Sex is awesome but even adult film stars need a break. You get the point.
If everything is supposedly awesome all the time, like every description of Heaven suggests, that doesn't mean you're gonna love it. You can't really experience joy unless you've also experienced the flip side. And no description of Heaven that you will ever find permits sadness.
The weather doesn't seem too bad. I live near Chicago. Winters are awful. And I've learned to deal with the scorching hot summers. So walking through fire is just not that big of a deal.
Who's joining me in the land down under?!
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