Everything Wrong in Genesis 2 in the Bible
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| Genesis 2: 1-3 |
Thus the heavens and the earth were completed in all their vast array. By the seventh day, God had finished the work he had been doing.
So on the seventh day, he rested from all his work. Then God blessed the seventh day and made it holy because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done. He rested. An all-powerful God poofed some things into existence and then thought, "I need a nap."
The rest of us need a vacation after a lot of work. God's been on vacation for a literal eternity, basically answers an email, and thinks, "I'm exhausted. Back to sleep."
What does God even do when He rests? It's not like he was all that busy a week earlier.
It's not like there were so many prayers for Him to answer when there were no people in the universe. He has no friends to hang out with.
And given all the chaos in the world right now caused by His believers, maybe He could do us all a favor and take another few days off?
At least until the next election. Think about that first line, too, how God completed the heavens and the earth. They're just done now.
When the Earth was actually created, we didn't even have a moon. And new stars form all the time. And some explode.
Our sun won't be around forever. Leave it to God to do something half-assed and just say "It's already perfect." This is the account of the heavens and the earth when they were created when the Lord God made the earth and the heavens.
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| Genesis 2:4-6 |
Now no shrub had yet appeared on the earth and no plant had yet sprung up, for the Lord God had not sent rain on the earth and there was no one to work the ground, but streams came up from the earth and watered the whole surface of the ground.
Let's see if I have this right: There were no plants because God needed water and someone to work the garden. But in Genesis 1, plants arrived on Day 3, and man arrived on Day 6.
Forget the chicken and the egg. Which came first? Plants or people? Make up your mind. And what happened to the firmament from Genesis 1? Now the streams are watering the Earth?
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| Genesis 2:7-8 |
In the last chapter, God put a roof over our heads so water wouldn't get through. I guess we already forgot about that. Then the Lord God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.
Now the Lord God had planted a garden in the east, in Eden; and there he put the man he had formed. That is some seriously messed up Christian CPR.
How do you get life into someone? Breathe directly into their booger-holes. Notice that God doesn't install a brain.
He just blows into our nose, like a fetish. Obviously, a man magically arriving onto the scene, fully formed, violates every piece of evidence we've ever found regarding evolution. It took millions of years before humans, as we know them, existed.
We weren't blow-up dolls that God kept in a workshop somewhere. At the North Pole. And notice that for all the talk about how we're made in God's image, God didn't create Adam while looking into a mirror. He just grabbed some dust, went like that, and boom. Done.
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| Bible Genesis 2:9 |
Looks just like me. The Lord God made all kinds of trees grow out of the ground —trees that were pleasing to the eye and good for food. In the middle of the garden was the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.
Leave it to religion to make knowledge the evil villain in the story. "I could teach you something, but then I'd have to kill you." A river watering the garden flowed from Eden; from there it was separated into four headwaters.
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| Bible Genesis 2:10-14 |
The name of the first is the Pishon; it winds through the entire land of Havilah, where there is gold. The gold of that land is good; aromatic resin and onyx are also there. The name of the second river is the Gihon; it winds through the entire land of Cush.
The name of the third river is the Tigris; it runs along the east side of Ashur. And the fourth river is the Euphrates. This is a weird tangent.
This is Genesis 2. It's one of the first pages of the Bible. It's foundational to the Christian myth.
And yet we have a detour into the geography of the land. It's like someone asking where you live, and instead of saying, "Chicago," you say, "Well, you take I-90 to the fourth exit, and make a left turn at the second stoplight."
We were not asking for that kind of specificity. A river in Eden would've been good enough. Geography and names aside, why is it necessary that the gold is good?
Is another creature scamming Adam with bad gold? What's he gonna do with gold? Spend it? Trade it with all the other people who don't exist? Stare at it? I mean, he alr1eady has the trees! Who named these cities and rivers? And why did it even matter?
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| Bible Genesis 2:15 |
Adam stayed put in Eden. He wasn't hitchhiking. The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it.
Work it, Adam... I thought Eden was perfect already. What is there to take care of?
Did God create a beautiful garden, then plant some weeds just to be a jerk? "I created you. Here's a list of chores." You would also think this passage suggests a kind of environmentalism. "I made this, so take care of it."
And yet only about a quarter of white evangelical Christians accept the science of climate change. You can't take care of God's creation if you refuse to see how you're messing it up.
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| Bible Genesis 2:16-17 |
And the Lord God commanded the man, “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it, you will certainly die.”
What sort of God says "I've created this giant playpen for you to frolic in. But I've placed a landmine in the middle.
Don't step on it. Or else." God could've just NOT DONE THAT. Instead, he turned his literal Eden into a deathtrap.
What's the harm in knowing the difference between good and evil, anyway? Those seem like important things to know. I mean, it's one of the first things you teach a child. This is good. This is bad. If a child asks you, "Daddy, can I do this?"
You don't say, "Yes, you can, but now I must murder you."
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| Bible Genesis 2:18 |
The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” Why was it not good? Adam had food. Stuff to look at. Good gold.
He could run around without clothes. Not a bad life. Admit it. You would totally swap your current life for the chance to run naked in an apple orchard because you have no other responsibilities.
And why did it take this long for God to realize Adam needed a lady friend? You would think God designed the blueprint in advance, but He's obviously just winging it.
Then he realized he forgot something. Not exactly the work of someone who's supposedly all-knowing. And why is she his helper?
In Genesis 1, God made man and woman simultaneously and He treated them equally. Suddenly she's his assistant?
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| Bible Genesis 2:19 |
I mean, how's that for a quick demotion? Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky.
He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name.
What a convenient way for the Bible's writers to just stop doing work. "Should we name all the animals and birds? There are, like, thousands of them." Let's just say God made Adam do it and move on. What's Adam doing, anyway? "I'll call that a bird.
That's another kind of bird. Blue bird... Black bird..." There are millions of species, too. How long did this take Adam? And who's keeping track of all these names?
I mean, how do we know Adam didn't just see a bird, name it, and then give the same bird another name a minute later when it flew by again? Keep in mind that Young Earth Creationists believe God created the world in six 24-hour days.
So Adam named millions of creatures in a matter of hours. They get around that by saying there were just a couple thousand species, tops. That's not true. New species are discovered all the time. Thousands per year. Minimum.
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| Bible Genesis 2:20-21 |
We still don't have names for everything. So Adam clearly dropped the ball. He literally only had one job... So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds in the sky, and all the wild animals. But for Adam, no suitable helper was found.
So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh.
That is just horrifying. Adam was sleeping, God tore open his body, broke off one of his bones then I guess sutured him up, all without anesthesia, and Adam apparently never even woke up during this assault. And what's the thought process here?
God needs to make one person, so he molds some dust then breathes life through his nose. God needs to make another person? VIOLENTLY RIP OPEN THE FIRST ONE. "What do you want me to do? No, no! Too much work. Get me a scalpel!"
What does even need a rib for? What do you do with one rib? Take some DNA, for god sake! Grab a cell. Can you imagine if God said, "I need to make another human? I guess I'll just amputate that guy who's napping over there and steal his femur."
God managed to create Adam and birds and wildlife without a problem. But apparently, a single human woman was too advanced for Him.
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| Bible Genesis 2:22-23 |
Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.”
It's a good thing Adam named the birds and animals. Because God's a deadbeat. We were this close to having birds and wo-birds. Also, how lazy is that? "This is Adam. And this is... woman." "What about Eve?" "No. Too few syllables."
Do you think Adam noticed his rib was missing? Did he see the scar? He had to know who did it, too; it's not like anyone else was around.
And by the way, men and women have the same number of ribs. Maybe they didn't realize that in biblical times, but it's true.
So either God grew that rib back when no one was looking... or someone's really bad at creating a mythology.
Also, theoretically, if God created Eve from Adam's rib, then the genetic material would've been the same. In other words, Eve would have been Adam's clone. Which has serious repercussions when it comes to sex.
That's just weird.
And not a good way to begin a diverse species. Honestly, if all that was required was a rib, God really could have made Adam and Steve and it would've made just as much sense.
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| Bible Genesis 2:24 |
That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.
That's quite a leap there. Adam didn't even have a father and a mother. He had one dad. One single dad. No mommy.
And God would've failed a paternity test since Adam had none of his daddy's DNA. He's like 99% dust and 1% rib.
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| Bible Genesis 2:25 |
Slightly less than that now, I guess. Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame. His wife. She doesn't even get a name. She's just a "wife."
Or "helper." And why would they feel shame? There are no other people around. When did they get married?
Did I miss the verse where they had a wedding? I didn't realize Christians were into this whole arranged marriage thing. Or cohabitation.
Genesis 1 and 2 are two versions of the same story and neither one makes any sense. It's bad history. It's bad science. It's bad cosmology. It's bad storytelling.
You couldn't even grow a Christian cinematic universe from all this because no one can seem to agree on an origin story. And we've only gotten through the first few pages.
Previous Part: Everything Wrong In Genesis 1
Next Part: Everything Wrong In Genesis 3 (Will be Published Tomorrow)
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"Everything Wrong In The Bible" series chronology:
Genesis: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10
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